THE CHANGES THAT CAME WITH THE PROMULGATION

Since the promulgation of the Kenyan constitution, there are some changes that came with it. Some of these noble changes are in Egerton University. I feel obliged to inform you of the changes lest you find yourself in trouble sooner than later.

Top on the list is once you join Egerton University; you stop being a “student” and become a “comrade”. That’s why some comrades are fighting for the name SUEU to be changed to CUEU (Comrades Union of Egerton University). There are two categories of Comrades at the institution. Don’t dare refer to me as a “JAB Student” because I might give you a real jab and end up rearranging your dental formula. Call me a “Government Recognised (GORE) Comrade” and I will allow you to show your dental formula to the whole world in the name of a smile.

I have never understood the meaning of “SSP” in full; but do not call anybody an “SSP student” because your name might just be among those at the Egerton Radio Obituaries – even if they don’t have the program. Call such a person a “Personal Sponsor” (PS) and that will make you friends.

When a GORE comrade rearranges your dental formula or a PS ensures that your name is in the Egerton Radio Obituaries, you can’t take them to the Egerton Security. The Egerton Security has no mandate to arrest the Comrades – thanks to the new constitution. Take the Comrade to the Kenya Police Post at Egerton University and the guy will be fished out of the hostels like Mungiki adherents.

Talking about hostels, such names are no longer applicable at our good campus. We now talk about “Estates”. Buruburu estate is next to Hollywood Estate while Upper Lavingtone Estate alias Ruwenzori Estate is next to Runda Estate. In “Estates”, people do not stay in “Rooms” but in “Apartments”. I have a friend who used to stay in Taifa Estate Apartment Number 54. That is the talk now!!

Njokerio was upgraded from an “Open Air Market” with stalls along the path to a “Modern Shopping Mall”. So big it is that there was no need to put a roof over all the traders. It has several traders within it with their own set prices and arrangements. There was no need of even defining some paths and roads within the Mall to ease Comrade Traffic. It’s a 24/7 Shopping Mall. Nancy Baraza type of traders should not worry though because we do not have a Kerubo at the entrance of the Mall.

You will no longer refer to that human being who stands in front of others and lecture or yap at them as a “Lecturer”; they might sue you! Call the “Intellectually Advanced Persons” and they will refer to you as a “Knowledge Seeker” if you sit down and listen to them. At the end of the Semester, they will not give you an Exam but they will “Evaluate” you. They won’t give you C.A.Ts within the Semester either; but they will instead “Monitor your Progress” in their respective units.

If you fail their Evaluation at the end of the Semester, they will not give you an “F” to denote “Fail” but you will get an “S” to show that you are academically “Stunted”. You will not be required to re-sit or retake their units. The Intellectually Advanced Person concerned will “Re-evaluate” you to ascertain your “Stuntedness”.

There will be no discontinuation on the grounds of “Academic Stuntedness”. The DVC – A/F will however declare you an “Academic Dwarf” and suggest that you be given an “Alternative Education”. If you are a lady, you will be given a free certificate in “Child Rearing” while male comrades will be given a Honorary Degree in “Child Siring”. Since no public University offers the two degrees, you will be forced to make your own “Institution of the Highest Learning with Difficulty”. You and your better half alias bitter half will form the students’ body. The Intellectually Advanced Persons at your institution will be your In-laws and the “Evaluation” results will be the product of your intercourse.

However, if you manage to remain at Egerton and complete your course, you will not be given a degree. Nobody asks for a degree while doing job interviews. No employer will need your degree. You might even be disqualified from a job interview for having a degree. The Chancellor will give you “Academic Papers”. He will vest in you the power to “read and write”. At the end of it all, you will leave the institution, stop being a comrade. You will, however, not become an “Old Boy or Girl!” this is because many a times, people leave Egerton after they have increased in number. There is the “Multiplier Effect” at Egerton. Boys and Girls can’t multiply!! But Ladies and Gentlemen do. Therefore, you will be declared an Alumni whether you like it or not.

Thanks to the new constitution!!