I have for long tried my best not to write about me. For a considerably long while, I have successfully steered away from airing my life but this cannot be held back.
Have you ever had a pressing urge to tell a story, not to one person but to the world? Mine is a sentimental one, a love story.
A story about a man I loved in silence, waiting for a time when I could have him all to myself. A man I will continue to love even in the next life. Sometimes I wonder if he knew how happy he made me, even with the psychological distance between us. Yes, psychological distance.
Didn’t I say it is a sentimental story?
This guy had an okay physique, one that only a few more possess to date. He always flashed a milk-white smile when he was happy and I always blushed on impact. Rolled back sleeves were his trademark. I still find it attractive *winking.
His drunken laughter is what I miss most, not to talk of the liquorized aura that announced his presence. To date, I hate too close proximity to drunken men but this one was exceptional.
I loved him most when he was drunk!
It was only then that he had time to tell stale jokes that always left people in stitches. Even when he was telling a joke for the hundredth time, I laughed as if I had never heard it before. On such special “occasions”, he would help in preparing the only food he knew how- to; Ugali.
The people you want to stay always go too soon and the converse is annoyingly true. He left, or was he taken away? His love affair with liquor cost him his pair of kidneys. He fought the demon but it was stronger than his will to stay. He gave way.
Being a people person, and one riding on an enviable corporate career, the loss was felt far and wide. With me, it was as if I was watching a play. I waited for the curtains to be drawn, to see the thespians come forward and take a bow.
I watched his daughters and wife mourn him and I sincerely pitied them.
At the replacement of my milk teeth, it came to my knowledge that it was my loss too! My first man was gone for good! I shed the tears I should have shed more than a decade before.
That is how long it took me to swallow the pill. It dawned on me that I had lost a father, a friend I was about to meet. More often than not, the wish that he was still around crowds my mind and I end up in tears.
My maiden heartbreak remains edged on my memory. Maybe the reason I will never forget this man is because he was gone too soon. Gone before we could have a relationship; before we could talk and before he could see my next man.
In honor of my best man, I have vowed to love people in the moment. There is no guarantee that there will be a chance to open-up to a person in the days to come. There is no right time to allow people into the heart except the present.
Are you shelving a fond feeling while waiting for the ripeness of time to show it to a person? You imagine that there is still time left, a future. The sad truth is; the only future we have is now.
If you love in silence, the heartbreak will be so loud that the whole world will hear.