Several Categories of Students On Egerton Campus Life Facebook Page According to Denshispeaks

When you visit the Egerton Campus Life (ECL) Facebook Page, there are categories of people/students you’ll never miss. These guys are constantly on the page with their posts irrespective of the time of the day or night you visit the page.

1. COMPLAINERS
These are the guys you’ll find complaining about anything and everything. They’ll complain about their boyfriends, girlfriends, lecturers, the weather, SUEU, the university and even the ECL Page! They are always around, and if a complain does not elicit the intended reaction, they will post another complain.

Some of them will even comment on other people’s posts with complains. Their DNA must be wired for complaining! I wonder what they do away from Facebook in real life. Complain?

2. LOVE DOCTORS
They are the masters of copy-pasting. They load ECL with love posts from other pages. They make up love stories and problems, post on ECL and wait for ECLians’ reaction.

Some of them are so annoying that they’ll post the same issue more than one time. They must be too idle to be concerned with other Comrades’ love life – whether fictitiously or in reality.

3. SALESMEN
One common phrase on ECL is “Biz ya leo” coined and popularized by one Georggie Wainaina’s. He had a one stop shop of close to everything a campus student needs. Too bad his five year stay at campus came to an end this year.

He however has colleagues who are picking up the pase. These guys sale everything and anything – from electronic devices, data bundles, laptop bags to sun glasses. Anybody in need of printing, binding, photocopying and typing services need only to visit Egerton Campus Life Facebook page.

4. POLITICIANS
These are the seasonal ECLians who come and go with the electioneering period at campus. ECL provides the single cost effective avenue to sell their policies and manifestoes. Those who don’t want to spend will have more ECL posts than the number of printed posters.

Apart from one Jared Ochieng’ who vied for the 2012/13 SUEU Chairmanship and was defeated – I’m yet to see any campus politician taking their campaigns online through blogs and websites. ECL marks the beginning and the end of online campaign.

The politicians on ECL are characterized by promising posts which are mostly 90% lies. After all, no one will hold them accountable. They buy enough data bundles to enable them spread and monitor the response of comrades to their propaganda.

They swing to oblivion once the elections are done.

5. POLITICAL ANALYSTS/ CRITICS
These are the ‘eyes’ of comrades around campus throughout the year. If they aren’t analyzing and criticizing campus politics, they are keeping a watchful eye on national politics. Some operate on facts while others use hearsay to do their trade. They are at times given such names as betrayers, inciters, know-it-alls, noise makers etc.

They differ in opinions amongst themselves and even with the rest of the students. They analyze, criticize and predict outcomes on political issues around campus and throughout Kenya. Whether the predicted outcomes come to pass or not is none of their business. They’ll be on another matter all together.

6.TRIBAL LORDS
Their posts on ECL lack wisdom and the sense of integration is lost to them. Egocentrism has taken over their mental faculties. They are kin on the news to get the name of the purported victim. If s/he is from their tribe, then they are ‘targeted’… if the victim is from another tribe, then ‘they deserve it’.

The tribal lords will get personal at the blink of an eye. They’ll start conversing in their language on ECL to keep away those who don’t understand. They’ll come to the defence of their tribal kingpins in national politics without analyzing the situation to uncover the truth. I wonder why they are still posting on ECL their venomous tribal updates

7. ARTISTS
Were it not for one Freeboy, I would call this category “Musician Wannabes”. This is the category of self-proclaimed artists around campus. They range from spoken word artists to musicians.
The spoken word artists are always reminding comrades about their events and inviting them over. ‘Ivsurm’ is famous on Wednesdays.

The musicians – or should I say wannabes – are either ‘beefing’ each other or paying comrades to soil their names for publicity. Others will form fake accounts when they realize that they are nowhere in the limelight. They’ll then use these fake accounts to spread cheap propaganda about themselves to remain relevant.

Anybody posting on Egerton Campus Life Facebook Page falls in one or two of the above categories.

Twittertonians’ Cabinet

With the powers vested in me as the self-made Twittertonian President in the Constitution of Egertonians on Twitter #EOT, it’s my humble duty to present to you my cabinet of Directors. The Directors hereunder will be answerable to whoever they feel like as long as it’s for the benefit of the #Twittertonians

Drum rolls (Oops! This is not a Nigerian movie. Neither is it some award ceremony…therefore let’s cut the crap and head for business)…

DIRECTOR, HEALTH – @KathiriKLM

A medical doctor in the making, she can for sure ensure that all the Condom Dispensers around campus are refilled on daily basis. With her extensive knowledge in matters H. Pylori (I hope it’s something to do with lorries), she will ensure that lorries are not allowed in Campus to prevent the spread of flue and TB due to the dusty streets of twitter.
– Assistant Director – @smartsheila_

DIRECTOR CHRISTIANITY AND RELIGIOUS AFFAIRS – @labanish

Having experience for working with @egertoncu as their twitter contact, and his unrelented daily Biblical tweets, he is just the right man for the job. As the Twittertonian President, I get enough inspiration from his TL and the best way to appreciate him is by giving a director’s post.

His wealth in Biblical Matters and prayer sessions will be of great importance to #EOT
– Assistant Director – @ndindafah

DIRECTOR STRONGHOLDS MANAGEMENT. – @victormkubwa

He’s the Analogue Students’ Union of Egerton University Secretary General. Having won the SUEU elections with a confident voter-margin and with extensive knowledge in Stronghold Tweets, he brings to the cabinet a wealth of knowledge in both Analogue and Digital Management of Strongholds.
– Assistant Director – @lilmis_smyl

DIRECTOR ACADEMICS. – @jaybichiy

From tweeting about her anatomy classes and how one should tell when a conversation becomes a lecture, she will be incharge of the Academic Docket. With a tinge of shyness in reality but very aggressive online, she’s the best academician to represent #Twittertonians
– Assistant Director. – @angel66811275

DIRECTOR INFORMATION AND INTERUNIVERSITY RELATIONS. – @Don_Nyamu

Having traversed East Africa but brought back nothing except for the prestige, memories and experience, he is well informed and well suited to hold the docket. He will also be incharge of the information exchange between MKZ and twitter, especially the stealing of tweets and posting them on #EgertonCampusLife #MKZ page.
– Assistant Director. – @stevemuiruri and @raphor09

DIRECTOR SECURITY, ACCOMMODATION AND CATERING. – @melvohsync

He needs no introduction. Every twittertonian must be knowing that the guy stays in Ruwe..or is it Tatton? The room number is somewhere around 69? You can imagine what happens at 69!

With such a wealth of knowledge and experience in matters hospitality and roaching affairs, he is the best suited for the docket.
– @Assistant Director. – @odialav

DIRECTOR SPECIAL PROGRAMS. – @cleophas65

Having experience in failing to impress twitter crushes more than enough times, he’s capable of steering the special programs’ docket to great heights especially in matters concerning how to ensure that you don’t impress your crush.

He will be assisted by the elusive @c_Kazuri and I hope the docket finally gets them together.

DIRECTOR DIASPORA. – @wexmash

This one of the dockets close to my heart as the Self-made President of Twittertonians.
With a vast knowledge on how to get the best hostels at the cheapest price and how to avoid the landlord when the rent is due and your pocket is dry, he is the ultimate man for the job.

All twittertonians planning to stay off-campus needs to contact the Director ASAP.
– Assistant Director. – @bone_l

That’s the new cabinet and they will be sworn in very soon.
Twi

THE MUTUAL MAN.

We just sat there staring blankly at each other. It seemed like sitting there – in silence – had become more of our common hobby. I wish you knew how we used to talk all and every evening we happened to be out at this place. As I said – it’s all but a wish.

Fate had thrown us into a new life. Did I say FATE? Ok, Maybe, Maybe not. But since neither Suzanne° nor I was ready to take the blame, well, let the defence-less, mouth-less and emotion-less fate take it for us – for the time being.

‘Let us continue as before’ my mind, not mouth, was at work. I couldn’t talk because she was the one on the wrong. ‘I want to be close to you as before’ her eyes were telling me. MAN .The bone of contention. MAN. The seed of hatred. MAN. The bond breaker.

Whoever knew that we could share so much in life! Whoever knew that we would not just have mutual friends but also a MUTUAL MAN!?! A mutual man not in the name of a brother, father, uncle or grandfather! Hell no!

Let’s rewind the will of fate just abit.

2012.

Freshers’ Night.

“Ponyoka na Fresher”, “Kwachua Fresher”, “Fresher Pap”, “Vurumisha Fresher”…etc. The list was endless. As endless as the freshers. Whether you were Vurumishwad, Kwachuliwad or Kamatwad it didn’t matter. The television industry was to blame or praise for the numerous names and phrases used on freshers. I don’t have to tell you that I was Kwachuliwad because you should be knowing.

I don’t want to tell you that I danced for the first time in a crowd! It was mad fun. Never had I seen myself dancing half naked. Oh! Pervert me! Sorry, I meant half clothed! Huh! A glass of water: do we say half full or half empty?

Freshers’ Night.

00:00 hours.

What in hell was I doing awake at this time? I wished I was still in high school so that I could read hard and get the A that eluded me. Wishes will never be horses – maybe in the tenth planet. In high school, evening preps ended at 10:00 pm but by that time I was already snoring on my locker. How strange!! Now, I had the freedom to sleep at 6:00 pm, but I was still awake at midnight!

Suzanne.

She was taken by some random man – random before I met him. Hehehe. Crush. Blush. Information is power, ignorance is a bliss. Stupidity is safe but love is a sword.

‘Random guy’ spend that night with Suzanne. Don’t ask me what they did. Don’t mention virgins unless you are referring to Mary the mother of Jesus. As for Suzanne and I, don’t you ever mention ‘virgin’ and our names in the same sentence. It’s an abomination. Oops! I just did it! But is it a crime to be or not to be? Cast the first stone if you are …

This world is strange! “What are you talking about? ” Suzanne asked me. I’d drifted away that I had even forgotten her presence. Strange. “Nothing. Never mind”, that’s what I said but not what I meant.

“Okey” is what she said.

Back to 2012. After Freshers’ Night.

I met Oliver. Charming. Exciting. Attractive. Creative. Well built. Blood shot eyes. Composed. Knowledgeable. Provocative. All this, I discovered within one hour. Before I knew it, I was in his bed.

And that is the bone of contention,
The mutual man
Who’s going to let go?
Something worth laughing at,
Something worth crying for
Something worth the silence;
But not worth our friendship
I am the one
Who stole my best friend’s
Best friend in bed.
My name is Linda.